As human beings, we were created to be in relationships–with our parents, friends, co-workers, and significant others. Within these different relationships, boundaries are essential. When these boundaries are not respected, honored, considered, or even acknowledged, we can find ourselves in toxic or unhealthy relationships.
Boundaries are not simply about saying no; they are about defining who we are, what we stand for, and how we allow others to treat us within the context of relationships.
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Setting Boundaries Is The Key To Healthy Relationships – Relationship Advice For Women
Unlock Healthy Relationships: The Power Of Setting Boundaries
We’re diving into another one of those juicy topics that is critical for healthy relationships. We’re talking about setting boundaries and how it is key to healthy relationships. I bet you are wondering, “Why is this topic so important?” or, “Why does it matter?” Here’s why. It’s because we’re human beings, and as human beings, we were created to be in relationships.
We need to be in relationships. That’s why when COVID happened, we were out of the frame because we couldn’t touch and we couldn’t see each other. We need to be in relationships, relationships with our parents, with friends, with colleagues, with coworkers, and with a significant other, someone that you have strong feelings for and you’re in love with. Relationships are important, and setting boundaries is the key to healthy relationships.
We know that boundaries must exist. When boundaries are established within a relationship and they are not respected, when they’re not honored, when they’re not considered, and when they’re not even known, when this occurs, then I need you to understand you will find yourself in a toxic or unhealthy relationship. Boundaries are not just about saying no. Boundaries are about finding who you are, what you stand for, and how you allow others to treat you within a relationship.
When someone says to me, “They made me feel,” I say, “They didn’t make you. You allowed it.” They’re like, “They made me feel dumb.” I’m like, “You allowed it,” because it’s in the relationship. What we allow people to do to us, that’s what they’re going to do. Without boundaries in your relationship, the relationship will become draining, unhealthy, and toxic.
We hear a whole lot about domestic abuse because there are boundaries that have been crossed, disrespected, or not acknowledged. Frankly, your relationship will become unsustainable without boundaries. Whether it’s with friends, family, a romantic partner, or even a coworker or colleague, setting and maintaining boundaries is how we cultivate respect and self-worth. That’s how we do it. That’s how it gets done.
In this episode, we’re going to explore why boundaries are so important, how to address and set them effectively, and what to do when people push back. People are going to push back. When people cross the boundaries that you have in place, we’re going to talk about what you can do. I’ll also give some real-life examples to help you understand the power of boundaries and how they can transform your relationship and your confidence, not only in yourself, but in that relationship. How about you grab a cup of your favorite tea? If it’s a cold beverage, grab that instead. Let’s get comfortable and talk about how you can start setting boundaries like a pro.
Beyond Barriers: Understanding What Boundaries Truly Are
Let’s start with the basics. What are boundaries? When I first heard this word, I saw a barrier. That was in my thoughts. A barrier is physical and it blocks off. If you ever drive on a highway, you have a barrier where you’re driving. It’s a barrier that’s there to keep you on the road and not in the trees. If you ever walked past an incident where police are involved, or if it was a crime scene, they put up barriers, either the tape or the actual physical barriers. That’s what I was thinking about.
When we talk about boundaries, we’re not talking about barriers. What we’re talking about is boundaries. Let’s keep it simple. Boundaries are the invisible lines that define what is acceptable in your relationship and what is not acceptable. That’s what boundaries are. They’re invisible. You can easily put up some tape that says, “Don’t cross this lawn,” but the majority of the boundaries are invisible. It’s these invisible lines that protect your emotional well-being. They protect your time and mental energy.
Our boundaries that we put in place communicate to the world by saying, “This is what I will accept, and this is what I will not accept.” It’s up to us as individuals to be able to share that with the world and our relationships. The purpose is to keep them healthy. Let’s take an example. Imagine you have a friend. You adore and care for this friend, but this friend always calls you late at night, maybe before you are about to go to bed or while you are in bed. Their purpose is to vent.
They vent about their problem about what happened that day, and you listen because you care for them. You listen because you want to be supportive. After a while, you realize this is starting to drain you. It’s beginning to wear on you. You wake up the next morning exhausted and tired because you were on the phone listening to them vent. It begins to affect your entire day.
In this situation, a boundary will be telling your friend something like this, “I love talking to you, I appreciate you, and I truly want to support you, but I can’t take the late-night calls anymore. I can support you much better if we can catch up during the day when I can be fully present for you and I can clearly hear and listen to what’s going on with you.”
Without boundaries in our relationships, we become resentful, misunderstood, overextended, and exhausted. Here’s the thing. People who truly love you and care about you will respect your boundaries. Those who get angry with you and who try to guilt trip you are the people or are the ones who benefit from you not having boundaries in place. That’s why they get angry. That’s why they get frustrated with your boundaries.
I need you to know this. I need you to understand what I’m saying. Setting boundaries is not selfish. It’s self-care. It’s how you show up as your best self in your relationship. That’s what it’s all about. It has nothing to do with being selfish. Let’s talk about how to set boundaries effectively because sometimes, it’s hard for us. Especially as women, it’s hard for us. We struggle. I know I did, especially when it comes to saying no. We know that boundaries are important because we said that they help the relationship in a healthy way. Many of us, particularly women, struggle with setting boundaries because we don’t want to seem rude and hurt anyone’s feelings. A lot of us have a hard time saying no. I was one of them.
Here’s what I want you to remember. Setting a boundary is not about pushing people away. It’s about creating healthy relationships that work for both parties, a relationship that is healthy and where you can support each other. That’s why you want boundaries in your relationship. I’m thinking of being in a relationship with my husband. We’ll be married 30 years and be in a relationship for 34 years. Without the boundaries, I know we wouldn’t be together. I’m using that as an example and sharing that. I know that as a fact.
Know Your Limits: Identifying Triggers For Effective Boundaries
Let me share with you how you can set some boundaries. The first thing you want to do is identify your limits. What triggers you? Identify the things that trigger you. Think about what makes you feel uncomfortable. When you’re talking to a colleague, a friend, or your parents, and these people who you’re in relationships with, like your boyfriend or your girlfriend, think about what makes you feel uncomfortable. What frustrates you? What drains you? What makes you feel disrespected or that you are not being paid attention to? Look at those things.
Take a moment and think about those things. Think about a moment that had occurred when you felt resented or disrespected. Think about those things and write them down because these are the moments that, if they’re not addressed, resentment will come in. When you feel resentment, then that’s a clear sign that a boundary has been crossed or disrespected. Identify your limits. Know your triggers.
Speak Your Truth: Communicating Boundaries Clearly And Confidently
Another thing you can do is communicate clearly. I love to use the words clarity or clear. When I’m speaking to someone, I’ll say, “Are you clear?” When I’m not sure of something that someone is saying to me, I’ll say, “I’m not clear. Can you give me more clarity?” Use simple, direct language. Be clear and concise when you speak. It’s that simple.
For example, if you’re trying to get your work done and the coworker is interrupting you, you can say to the coworker in a kind, gentle way, “I need uninterrupted time to focus. Let me get this done, and then I’ll be able to focus on you or be present with you.” Let’s be specific and clear on the things that we want to say when we’re communicating clearly.
Be Consistent: Stick To Your Boundaries
Let’s talk about consistency. You have to be consistent. If you have a boundary that you don’t respect and you put it out there, and people are crossing this boundary or disrespecting it, you don’t respect it, so other people will not either. You have to be consistent with your boundaries. Set boundaries, and then don’t make exceptions over and over again.
Stick to your boundaries. People will assume that you didn’t mean it if you keep making exceptions or you keep disrespecting your own boundaries. Stick to it. Be consistent. You have to stand firm. You know the saying, “You have to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.” Stand firm for this. You have to make sure your yes means yes and your no means no. There is no gray area.
Don’t Overexplain How You Feel
Here’s another thing. For those who are reading, I did say know your limits or identify your triggers, communicate clearly, and be consistent. This is the fourth thing that I want to share as well. Don’t overexplain how you feel. When I say no, I mean no. I’m not going to give an apology for saying no or give a long explanation on why I said no.
When I’m saying to you, “You are you unapologetically. You owe no one an apology for being you,” you don’t. What I’m saying is you don’t have to give a long, drawn-out explanation about your no. It applies to your boundaries. You don’t have to give an apology for being you when you are authentic. When you’re being fake and phony, start apologizing and explain it. No is a full sentence. You can put a period after it or an explanation behind it. It’s up to you. Whatever the circumstance requires or calls for.
You don't have to give an apology for being you, for when you are authentic. Share on XIf you need it, you can give a short reason, but you don’t have to overexplain. When I say no, it works well. No gives a short reason. When I say no, the word no works well. No gives a short reason such as, “It doesn’t feel good,” or, “I’m not in that space,” or, “Right now is not a good time for me.” When you give more explanation, it causes confusion. Don’t justify yourself excessively. Say no and let them know what that small, short reason is. If you don’t, the person is not going to take you seriously, and they’re going to continue to cross your boundaries.
Expect Pushback, Take A Stand
Five, expect pushback. Everyone will not like your boundaries. It’s like everyone’s not going to like you, and you have to be okay with that. Everyone’s not going to like the boundaries that you put in place. And they will do their best to cross them. Some people will test your limits. Some people will push your buttons. Some people will trigger you. They will give you pushback and not expect you to say anything. They will not expect you to hold them accountable or call them out.
Some people will blatantly cross your boundaries because they want to. Especially those people who benefit from you not having boundaries in place, who can use and abuse you and do whatever it is that they want, are the people who will cross your boundaries all the time. You must stand your ground. Take a stand. You have to stand for something or you will fall for anything. Stand your ground.
Real-Life Boundary Breakthroughs: Practical Scenarios And Solutions
Those are five things that will help you to put boundaries in place. Let’s go through some real-life scenarios. Take a moment and imagine you have a close family member, a sister or brother, a cousin, an aunt, or uncle. It could be your mother. It could be your father. This is someone who constantly criticizes your life choices all the time. You can never do right by them.
Every time you see this person, they have something negative to say about you, whether it’s about your job, your partner, your friends, your work, or even about your appearance. A boundary here should be in place. You want to put a boundary in place. It could sound like, “I value our relationship, but I won’t engage in conversation that makes me feel judged, belittled, and less than. I appreciate you, but I’m not going to do that, so let’s talk about something positive and uplifting instead. Let’s talk about that. Let’s do that.”
That’s a real-life scenario that I know we’ve all experienced. It might feel uncomfortable at first when you bring it up, but you are not responsible for their reaction. You are not responsible for that. You are responsible for your peace. You are responsible for your energy. You are responsible for your joy. You are not responsible for their reaction. If what I suggested does not work, you may have to leave their presence ultimately. Leave the room. You may even have to break off the relationship and not interact with them anymore. That’s how important boundaries are in a healthy relationship.
Overcome Guilt & Pushback: Mastering Boundary Enforcement
How do you want to go about handling guilt? When we say, “I’m no longer willing to have this conversation with you anymore,” guilt is going to come in. Our biggest challenge that we face as women in setting boundaries is guilt. Guilt comes in. Guilt is something else. It’s a whole conversation. I’m going to do an episode alone on guilt by itself. It shows up.
We have been conditioned by society and our families, especially as women, to be caretakers, to be people-pleasers, and to nurture. When we finally say, “I can’t do this,” or, “I don’t want to do this or do that,” we feel like we are being selfish. That’s not true. We make ourselves feel bad. Let me ask you this question. If saying no to someone else means saying yes to yourself, is that selfish, or is that self-respect, self-care, or self-love?
Here’s how I want you to handle the guilt. I want you to take a moment and remind yourself that setting boundaries is an act of self-love and self-care. It’s something that each of us needs. It’s as important as air. If you don’t protect your time, energy, joy, and happiness, who will? Keep in mind that you are not responsible for how others are going to react to your boundaries. That’s not your responsibility.
The only emotions you can control are yours. You can’t control anybody or everybody else’s emotions. Not to sound mean, but their emotions are not your burden to carry. I’m not saying that you don’t care about their emotions, which we do, but I need to put that out there. I want you to think about how important it is for you to set boundaries and remind yourself that this is self-care.
I need you to do what I started doing, and that was practicing saying no in a way that feels comfortable to me. I had to practice that. I had to practice saying, “No,” but not only that, it’s, “No, I can’t support you in that space,” or, “No, this time is not a good time for me right now.” Notice I’m not going into a detailed explanation. Saying no is not a bad thing, so don’t make it wrong. Don’t make saying no wrong. Start small if needed, even something like, “I love to help, but I can’t commit to that right now.” That’s a powerful boundary that you put in place.
Let’s look at pushback. You’re going to have some pushback. We have to talk about it. I know you know of some people who have, because they’re going to test you. They’re going to test your boundaries. Why not? Make no mistake about it. They will, especially those people who benefit from you not having boundaries in place and those people who have gotten used to you saying yes all the time and being there all the time. These are the people that you’re going to get some pushback from. There may be someone who keeps overstepping or giving you pushback because they’re so used to you telling them yes all the time.
In this situation, you need to reinforce a boundary. You can say something like, “I’ve already said I can’t do it, so please respect my decision. Please respect that.” You can say something like, “I’m not going to continue this conversation if you don’t or if you can’t respect my boundary.” You have to put that out there because if not, they’re going to disrespect it, they’re going to give you pushback, or they’re not going to acknowledge your boundary. It is okay to repeat yourself. You don’t have to argue with anyone. Don’t get into that. Stand firm.
Don’t make saying no wrong because it’s not. We all deserve a relationship that fulfills us, nurtures us, nourishes us, and makes us feel like we are in a good, healthy relationship. We don’t want relationships that will drain us or exhaust us. We don’t deserve that. You deserve to be respected. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be valued. We all do.
We all deserve a relationship that fulfills us, nurtures us, and nourishes us. Share on XBoundaries are the invisible lines that define what is accepted, what I’m going to take, what is not accepted, and what I won’t tolerate in this relationship or in your relationships. These invisible lines protect your emotional well-being. They protect your time, your health, and your mental energy. Boundaries communicate to the world that we’re in. It tells the world, “This is what I am accepting, and this is what I will not accept.” Being clear and concise.
It isn’t about keeping people away. I need to emphasize that again. Setting boundaries is not about keeping people away or pushing them away. It’s about making sure the right people stay in a relationship with you. That’s what’s important. You are allowed to say no. You are allowed to put yourself first. The people who truly, dearly love you will understand and will support you. I guarantee it.
Before we wrap up, I want to challenge you to identify one area in your life where you need a stronger boundary or stronger boundaries. Take a moment. I want you to stop. I want you to think about it. I want you to write it down. I want you to acknowledge it. Is it at work? Is it with a family member? Is it with your mother? Is it with your sister? Is it with your father? Is it with an aunt or a cousin? Is it in a romantic relationship or a platonic relationship with a coworker or a colleague?
Identify one area, and I want you to take one step. I want you to establish a boundary. Maybe it’s having a conversation with someone. Maybe it’s saying, “No, I can’t do it right now,” without it overly explaining yourself or apologizing. Maybe it’s something as simple as recognizing where your limits are. Start small, but start somewhere.
Setting boundaries is not about keeping people or pushing them away. It's about making sure the right people are in relationships with you. Share on XWith our society’s rigid expectations and endless opinions, self-expression and self-appreciation can feel challenging and daunting. Most of the time, this pushes you down to dumb down, hide, run, or not deal with anything. Go with the flow. Being you unapologetically means being true to who you are and how you were created and not apologizing and allowing people’s opinions to affect how you show up in life.
Everybody’s going to talk about you. There’s no exemption. You are not exempt from that. You have no time to be intimidated by the presence of people, by what they say, and what they think, and cause you to think so little of yourself. When you show up without pretense, when you show up without hesitation, when you fully show up being you unapologetically, no one can dull your glamor. I say this time and time again. Most importantly, you will be inspired to shine your light. Shine your light on others who need it and are looking for it. Share with others and help others. Help others to tap into their brilliance.
This is all about putting an end to a disparaging mindset and beginning to own your authentic self. That’s what this is all about. That’s what this show is all about. Thank you for joining me. I want you to continue to join me in this safe space where we have influential conversations. We have conversations about you being you because you are you unapologetically, and no one is better at being you than you.
Thank you so much for tuning in to this episode. That wraps it up with our episode. I hope this conversation has inspired you in the smallest way so that it will make a change in you that you will set boundaries and protect your peace. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend who needs to read this. No judgment whatsoever. Share it with someone who needs to set boundaries. Remember, setting boundaries is not about being difficult. It’s about you being you unapologetically. Until next time, take care of yourself, set your boundaries, keep your peace, and protect your energy. Ciao for now. Bye.
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