Self-love is not selfish; it’s essential. So many of us carry invisible loads: family responsibilities, career demands, caregiving, and community commitments. And society often sends the message that putting ourselves first is wrong. But without self-love, we can’t sustainably care for anyone else or show up fully in our lives. In this empowering conversation, Dr. Kim R. Grimes sits down with relationship coach and cultural leader Stella Umutoni to explore how prioritizing yourself is the foundation of emotional healing, stronger relationships, and authentic living.
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Self-Love Isn’t Selfish – How To Prioritize Yourself As A Woman With Stella Umutoni
Embracing Unapologetic Living: The Self-Love Foundation
Welcome to another episode of the show, where we dive into real conversations that empower you to show up fully, embrace your uniqueness, and live with bold authenticity. This conversation is one that so many women struggle with, which is self-love. Too often, women are told that putting themselves first is selfish.
Society reinforces the idea that putting themselves first is selfish by the demand it places on women, especially in the workplace. Whether it’s family, work, community, or cultural expectations, women carry the weight of the world sometimes, it feels like. We carry the weight of others’ needs on our shoulders, and we end up feeling guilty for wanting space, rest, and joy for ourselves.
Here’s the truth. Self-love isn’t selfish. It’s not selfish to be honest, open, and 100% transparent. It’s the foundation for living unapologetically. It’s the foundation for you living, as a woman, unapologetically. It’s about you showing up as your best self and creating healthier relationships with others. That’s what it’s all about.
This conversation will challenge the belief that self-love is selfish, which it is not. This conversation challenges that by showing that self-love is the opposite. It’s essential for sustainability, well-being, and living authentically. We’ll unpack what self-love means by showing you how prioritizing yourself can strengthen your ability to care for others. It can strengthen your ability to practice ways and do things to build self-love in your daily life. The goal of our discussion is to empower women to embrace self-love unapologetically and provide you, every last one of you who are reading, with both inspiration and practical steps to prioritize yourself. It is putting yourself first without guilt.
Stella’s Inspiring Journey: From Personal Struggle To Global Impact
Let me tell you about our guest. I know you guys read it every time in every episode that I’m introducing a phenomenal guest. My guests are phenomenal. In this episode, I have another phenomenal guest for you. I can’t help it. I always find phenomenal guests. You should come on, and you’ll be a phenomenal guest as well.
With that being said, let me tell you about our guest. Our guest is the Founder and CEO of Lioness Global Partnership, LLC. She’s a passionate, resilient relationship and marriage coach, a true soul connector who helps high-value Africans in the diaspora build love that lasts. Raised by her mother, whose strength and wisdom taught her emotional depth and compassion, our guest learned early that love is both a gift and a skill.
Living between two worlds, Africa and New York City, she discovered that successful relationships require more than attraction. They demand self-love, cultural alignment, and emotional intelligence. That realization sparked her mission to help others find the same clarity and balance she achieved. With over fifteen years of experience as a business owner, social worker, and human resource leader, our guest has empowered countless individuals to heal, grow, and create purposeful relationships rooted in respect and shared values. A certified life coach, MSW Graduate, and a Voice of Courage Award recipient, our guest’s work continues to transform lives through love, truth, and cultural authenticity. Please help me welcome Mrs. Stella Umutoni to the show.
Divine Connections: The Story Behind Dr. Kim and Stella’s Meeting
Stella, thank you so much for being here. I’m so excited to have you on our episode. Not only that, I’m excited that you said yes to discussing this exciting topic about self-love isn’t selfish and how to prioritize yourself as a woman. Thank you again for being here. Before we dive in and before you give some of your wisdom and juicy nuggets, please share with our readers how we met. I also want you to share after that why this conversation resonates with you. You have the floor.
What a welcome. You’re contagious. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for all of the amazing compliments. I’m truly blessed to be on your show. Our story is nothing short of God’s work. That’s how I see it. I could not have written a script or couldn’t have made this up. It was meant to happen. Dear readers, how I met this amazing lady was shocking.
Our story is nothing short of God's work. Share on XI was getting married. It’s season two. Believe in love. It’s what I preach. A sister of mine introduced me to her, and I called her. A fast conversation lasted three hours. In that conversation, I said to her, “Have you been to Africa?” She said, “No, I haven’t.” I said, “You’re coming to Rwanda, and you’re coming to my wedding.” That’s how it all began. The energy was real. The positivity was what I needed. I feel like everything that Dr. Kim is the person I have been looking for and missing in my life. I truly mean every word that I say. Thank you for being a blessing in my life. Thank you for having me at your show.
The wedding was breathtaking. It was something that I’ve never experienced before. My husband went along with me. We’ve never experienced it before. It was an eye-opener. If you have not been to Africa, you must go because it’s nothing like they portray it on television. I want to say this. I was in Africa, in Kigali, where my husband and I both agreed that we had the most loving welcome. You guys know I travel all over the world, but in Kigali, Africa, this is the most loving and belonging welcome that we have ever received in all of our travels.
Thank you so much for saying yes to me and yes for us to come to your wedding. We’re still being blessed behind it, so thank you. Let’s do this. Let’s dive into why we’re here. We’re talking about self-love. It isn’t selfish. Let’s talk about breaking the myth of selfishness when we talk about self-love. Before we do that, share with us why this conversation or topic resonates with you so much.
Self-Love Defined: Wholeness, Boundaries, And Authenticity
That’s a very important question. Many people ask because they think self-love is selfish. Why it resonates with me is because you have to be whole to give. You have to come from a place of, “I’m enough,” to be able to pour into someone else. Without self-love, you are empty. You’re sad. You’re nourishing the wound.
To me, self-love is caring for your emotional, mental, and physical well-being. It’s choosing to speak kindly about you. It’s choosing to set healthy boundaries and honoring your own needs before anybody else’s. When you do those things, you will feel whole and comfortable in who you are unapologetically. You can love fully and be present for people in your life.
Cultural Expectations And Personal Healing: A Woman’s Journey To Self-Prioritization
Many women equate prioritizing themselves with neglecting others. Where does this belief come from, and why is it so harmful or hurtful to us in general as women?
I will speak for my culture. I was born and raised in East Africa, Uganda. I’m originally from Rwanda. You are taught to be modest and to give. I’ve lived here long enough in the United States. It’s not very different. As women, you carry everybody’s baggage, whether it’s your children if you’re a mother, your husband if you’re married, or a brother’s family if you are still single. There’s almost a need of, “If I do this, then maybe I’ll be loved and accepted.” It’s a mess.
I agree with you. You were talking about the culture. I recognize that in your culture, you guys take on the responsibility of the whole family. It’s even more of a burden than it is in America. When we talk about marriage or relationships, but particularly marriage, when we marry here in America, we’re taking on the spouse, whether it is the husband or the wife, but we don’t bring in the entire family. In your culture, you guys do. Can you share a moment in your life when you struggled to prioritize yourself? Also, tell and share what changed.
There are way too many examples of that. If I can give my own family history, my mother raised us single-handedly after my father had been killed. There were nine children. There was no space for this woman. There was no space for her well-being, her emotions, nothing. It was about her children. How do we eat? How do we go to school? How do we do all of those things? I have learned that you become your environment. What you see growing up is who you become as an adult. You take on that burden.
I remember specifically when I moved to the States and was in New York City, this is a place I had only watched on TV. Here I am in Times Square, working for the United Nations, feeling like the world belongs to me, and I would feel guilty that I’m enjoying this life and I’m in this great city. It took me personal work. I had to seek therapy to know that I deserve it. When that changed for me, I became happier. I’m a better friend, a better mother, and, suddenly, a better spouse. I realized that I wasn’t being selfish. I was wounded. I needed to heal in order to give.
I love that so much. Healing to give. When we fill our own cup, we don’t have more to give. We give from a place of abundance. We give from a place of overflow, and not from a place of exhaustion. I get it, and I hear you loudly. Let’s share with our readers what self-love looks like. We know that self-love isn’t just a bubble bath or a spa day. What does authentic self-love look like in everyday life? Can you give some practical ways women can practice self-love daily, beyond the surface or beyond the fake areas or fake actions that take place?
Beyond The Bubble Bath: Authentic Self-Love In Daily Life
Ladies, let me say this to you. Playing small doesn’t cut it. Believe in who you are. Celebrate who you are. Love you for you. Peace of mind should not be negotiable for someone else’s comfort. Honestly, for me, that’s how I look at it. That comes from a place of authenticity. It comes from a place of saying, “This is who I am. You take me as I am or not.” It’s important to know that we can’t be liked by everybody and be okay with it. We need to stop selling our souls to be loved or accepted because you’ll never do enough. The more you do, the more they want.
I had a very life-changing event in my life. I suffered a stroke and had a brain aneurysm. At that moment, it was just me. I still remember. When they said, “You’re bleeding in the brain,” I had never had anything like that. I thought I was going to die. My child was 18 months and another one was 4 days old. I felt the panic and the regrets.
Nothing could have cleared my mind until I said, “God, if I recover, I’ll serve You.” Serving, for me, meant loving myself and celebrating every single little thing that happens to me. For women, you deserve it. The world is not for sad people. You could do your spouse, or you could do all of these things, but let me tell you. Do not negotiate your peace of mind.
Say that again, please. They need to take note of that.
Stop negotiating your peace of mind for someone else’s comfort. When you do it, you’re falling forward, and you could potentially fall. Invest in emotional wellness. It’s a rest for some. It’s journaling for others. If it is therapy, do what you need. Do what your soul needs. Let’s find purpose and growth.
Stop negotiating your peace of mind for someone else's comfort. Share on XI hear you, but some people are stuck, and they’re not thinking, “How do I get this started? How do I start this self-love?” In a practical way, if you can give 1, 2, or 3 steps, can you go into that?
Absolutely. I’ve heard things where I’m like, “That sounds so great, but how do you do it?” It’s very simple in how you do it. First of all, it’s a mindset. It’s giving yourself permission that you matter. It’s a simple thing. It could be affirmation, it could be you’re looking at yourself in the mirror and saying, “Stella, I matter. I deserve it.”
If meditation works for you, please meditate. If affirmation works for you, say those words to yourself. Create the world that you want to see. When I say do not negotiate your peace of mind for someone’s comfort, I actually mean to practice that. Get a piece of paper and write that every day if you need to. It works. You’ve met my daughters. I tell them, “Ladies, you are princesses on a pedestal indeed. Let nobody tell you differently.”
This is giving me chills. I’m loving every minute of it. I hear you saying self-love is a discipline. It’s about consistency or consistently choosing yourself, even in small ways. That is so amazing. Let’s be real about it. When women start prioritizing themselves and getting into self-love, guess what shows up? The first thing that shows up is guilt. It’s like, “Why are you doing that? You can’t do it.” You said it yourself. When you were in that space and you were loving life, guilt showed up. It knocked on the door and said, “Let me in.” Why do you think women often feel guilty when they put themselves first?
Conquering Guilt: Unlearning Patterns And Prioritizing Peace
We do because that’s what we are conditioned to do. I spoke from my culture. If my mother sacrificed everything to raise us, I believe I need to sacrifice everything to raise the next generation. However, times have changed, number one. Number two, there’s nothing wrong with you. Remember, you come from a piece of abundance. When the guilt voice comes in, I coach myself. I’m like, “No, Voice. I hear you, but I want you to take it a notch down because I’m more than that.”
That’s it.
I am better than that voice. Why am I guilty? It’s because that’s what I know from my mother, but guess what? She probably would have had a different life had she done it differently. For me, that guilt has to be silenced. We have to unlearn the patterns that we’ve learned through our upbringing and personal experiences intentionally. We have to learn to undo the bad things so that we fill our job with beautiful memories and experiences.
As you’re talking, I hear the different strategies that you are sharing. I want to say two things. One, I get it when you talk about your mother because it reminds me so much of mine, who had eight children. Your mom had one more than my mother did. She was trying to make sure there was food in the house. Not only food in the house, but we got a roof over our head, shoes on our feet, and clothes on our backs. I wanted to share that I connect with that because my mother was a mother of eight. I’m diving into that space.
Also, the other thing was you were talking about what you do. You said that when a thought comes, you’re like, “No.” You talk to yourself and coach yourself out through it. That’s so powerful because I do the exact same thing. I’m like, “I’m not going to waste any more energy on you, thought. I see you. I recognize you showing up. When I try to ignore you, you keep showing up.” I do the exact same thing, and it works.
I want you to share with our readers that sometimes, it’s not only guilt, but selfishness. They feel selfish. If it’s not guilt, they then feel selfish that they’re spending time with themselves. Can you talk about that? I know we talked about how we broke the myth and all that kind of stuff, but I want you to add something about not feeling selfish.
To me, selfishness is a disregard for others. When you are so much into yourself that you don’t care about others, that’s not self-love. That’s selfishness. You do that for personal gains. Usually, you want to get to a place or you want something from that person, and you disregard them. When it gets there, something is off. Do sick therapy, sick counseling, or sick coaching so that you’re not disregarding others, but simply saying, “I deserve to look good. I deserve to smell good. I deserve a quiet moment to realign my values with where I am today.” When you do that, you’re coming in with abundance. Whether it’s a child, a spouse, a friend, or a coworker, you’re going to be in a better place to relate well.
I’m loving this conversation. Let me ask you this. If you could leave every woman that’s listening to this show one reminder, but a powerful reminder or a first step to start prioritizing herself without guilt and without feeling selfish, what would it be?
Could I read a letter to women?
Sure.
Dear woman, you’ll spend so much of your life giving, showing up for everyone, holding everything together, and loving deeply, even when no one sees your tired hands. It’s time to turn that love inward. Please prioritize peace over people’s approval. That’s a big one. You’re not here to please everyone. You are here to live freely, softly, and purposefully. Pour into your emotional and spiritual well-being. Please pray if you’re a prayerful woman, journal if you’re a writer, and stay in stillness sometimes. We, as women, as mothers, and as creators, need to heal, not to prove our strength, but to protect our joy. I love you.
That was so amazing. Thank you for sharing that beautiful letter. Sadly, our time has come to an end, but that’s okay. We will invite you back again. Before we go, please share with our readers how they can get in contact with you. How do they reach out and touch you, or have you touch them? Please share.
Thank you very much for that. Dear readers, first of all, thank you for blessing me with this time to know me. Dr. Kim is amazing. I can be reached on Instagram as Stella Umutoni. That’s my first name and last name. For the coaching practice, the name is Ikunde, which is a Rwandan name for love. @Ikunde.life is how I could be reached. You could also email me at Stella@LGI.life.
This is you. This is unapologetic living. That’s what we’re talking about. We’re talking about self-love. It’s not selfish. It’s choosing you without explanation or guilt. That’s what it’s all about. Thank you so much for saying yes. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Thank you for being here. I truly appreciate it. I will be right back.
Final Thoughts: Unapologetic Living and Lasting Impact
I’m back. Was that not an awesome conversation? I still have chills from it. I’m serious. Thank you, Stella Umutoni. Thank you so much for being you and for gracefully sharing your gifts and talents on how self-love isn’t selfish and how to prioritize yourself as a woman. Please allow me to share what I took away from our conversation. I hope you got the same thing I did.
As I stated in the opening segment, self-love isn’t selfish at all. Here’s the truth. Self-love is the foundation for living unapologetically. It is the foundation for you being you. It’s the foundation for you showing up as your best self and for creating. It’s the foundation for you to create healthier relationships with others.
Self-love isn’t selfish. It’s self-preservation and self-empowerment because it builds your self-confidence and your self-esteem. Self-love is not selfish, but it’s necessary. Stop playing with guilt when it shows up. Self-love invites you. It invites you by prioritizing yourself. Have time for yourself. Stop neglecting yourself. This allows you to heal. Healing is important. When you heal, you can truly love because you’re healed. Healing is so powerful.
Self-love allows you to show up more powerfully for others. You begin to genuinely care for others and have an authentic concern for your loved ones and strangers, too. Self-love is a daily practice. Every time it’s done, it enhances your healing and your ability to heal. Keep in mind. Small intentional choices matter. Self-love is not feeling guilty. Guilt is normal. It’s going to come around and hang around, but it’s not a reason for you to stop your self-care and your self-love. You have to push through the guilt with compassion and courage.
Those are my takeaways, and I hope you, too. I hope you were able to take away some of what I shared from the conversation. You know we can’t possibly close this episode without sharing some action steps for our readers, for each of you to implement, because it’s all about taking action. Take action to begin to prioritize yourself without guilt.
Here are some ways. One, say no to one thing this week that drains you. It can be anything, including people. Some of our family members show up, and they drain us. Number two, be intentional. Intentionally schedule at least fifteen minutes daily for you to read, pray, journal, or be silent. I like to sit silently at times in God’s presence and not say anything. Intentionally put it on your calendar. How about that? That’s the second thing.
The third takeaway or action step that I want you to do this week is that if you like to journal, write one affirmation every morning that reminds you of things such as, “I am worthy of love. I am worthy of this rest. I am worthy of joy. I am worthy to heal. I am worthy of peace.” You can even say, “Not only am I worthy, but I am enough.” If you love to journal, write one affirmation. You can do 1 affirmation this week, or feel free to do 1 every morning. Do whatever excites you.
The fourth action step I want you to take this week is at the end of the week, I want you to sit back and reflect. Think about the self-love and the self-care that you implemented. Think about it. Think about what you did. Think about the results and ask yourself, “How did choosing myself impact my energy and relationships?” That’s what I want you to reflect on and find the answers. When you have the answers, please share them.
Most of all, what I want you to remember out of everything we said in this discussion, this conversation, or this episode is that you are you unapologetically. Loving yourself is the first step in walking boldly in your truth. With society’s rigid expectations and endless opinions, self-expression and self-appreciation can feel challenging and daunting.
Most of the time, we push things down. We push things away. We dumb down. We hide who we are. We ride the wave and go with the flow. You are you unapologetically, and that means being you, the true you, and how you were created. Do not allow people’s opinions to affect how you show up in life. Please do not do that. Let people talk. They will talk and talk. Let them talk because you have no time to be intimidated by the presence of others and think so little of yourself. You don’t have time for that.
When you show up without pretense and hesitation, the world can’t dull your glamor, no matter how hard they try. Most importantly, you will be inspired to shine your light so brightly to share it and help others tap into their own brilliance. That’s what happens when you show up being you. Let’s put an end to this disparaging mindset and begin to own our authentic selves. You can do that by joining me here in a safe space where I initiate influential conversations about you being you, because you are you unapologetically. No one is better at being you than you.
A huge thank you, a huge hug, and a huge shout-out go out to Mrs. Stella Umutoni for joining us and sharing her God-given wisdom. Thank you, everyone, for tuning in and hanging in here with me again. I can’t do this without you, so thank you. Like the last episode and the one before that, if this episode spoke to you in any kind of way, please take a moment and share it with another woman. Share it with someone who needs to hear that self-love is not selfish but necessary, and to not play with guilt when it shows up because it will. That’s what I want you to share. Until next time, keep showing up, keep loving yourself, and keep being you unapologetically. Ciao for now.
Important Links
Stella is a passionate, resilient Relationship and Marriage Coach — a true Soul Connector who helps high-value Africans in the diaspora build love that lasts. Raised by a mother whose strength and wisdom taught her emotional depth and compassion, Stella learned early that love is both a gift and a skill.
Living between two worlds — Africa and New York City — she discovered that successful relationships require more than attraction; they demand self-love, cultural alignment, and emotional intelligence. That realization sparked her mission to help others find the same clarity and balance she achieved.
With over 15 years of experience as a business owner, social worker, and human resources leader, Stella has empowered countless individuals to heal, grow, and create purposeful relationships rooted in respect and shared values. A Certified Life Coach, MSW graduate, and Voice of Courage Award recipient, Stella’s work continues to transform lives through love, truth, and cultural authenticity.